A Coping Tool

My Dad committed suicide April 26th, 2013. Typing that and then reading it… it still seems unreal. It’s been almost a year without my Dad, and what a freakin’ year it has been! I have gone through depression and I have gotten out of it. I have done a complete 360 as a person.There is a new me.

Last year I stumbled across the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention’s website. I saw that there were local chapters of grieving groups, a crisis hotline and more. I toyed with the thought of attending a few grief meetings. But I’m not big into crying, especially if it’s in front of other people. Never mind them being total strangers. The next thing I came across was the Out of the Darkness Walks. I was inspired to help and I immediately created Team LandShark. (my Dad’s favorite beer) I felt that creating a team was helping raise funds to help others in such a dark period, it was raising awareness and it was a tool to help me cope and grieve. Last year’s walk just so happened to be held in the town I live in, so I took that as a small positive sign. Our team surpassed our fundraising goal and the Merrimack Valley passed it’s overall goal also. It was a painful but proud day. You see all these people that have been affected and you hear stories. At the same time you’ve raised money and you’re keeping the spirit of your loved one going. My children don’t know the specifics about my Dad’s death and they won’t know until they’re way older. They understand that he’s gone and that we have walked for him. My kids are 3 and 4 so they most likely won’t remember many things about my Dad but with this walks I am also trying to give them a way to connect with him.

Nothing can bring my Dad back but if I can help one person cope with loss or help one person out of their darkness then that is enough.

Being a suicide survivor is a different type of grief. People die of natural causes, unfortunate accidents, etc. But when someone is in so much pain and they feel ending their life is the only way out, it disturbs you. Especially the person that has to find their loved one. You have all these questions that will never be answered. You wonder exactly what was torturing this person and you wonder how could this person do this? If you think about it, this person was in enough pain to end their life. I think that takes some big brass balls. I guess if you’re lucky one quick motion will end all of your pain. But it baffles me that someone can be so strong and determined to end their pain but they can’t be strong enough to reach out. They can’t voice their demons to friends and family. I have NEVER once thought that my Dad’s decision to end his life was selfish. I NEVER thought he was cowardly and took the easy way out. Maybe he thought he was helping everyone out. He obviously needed to do this for himself. Yes, that sounds selfish but if you don’t recognize your wants and needs first, in the long run you can’t do anything for anyone else. I believe he thought this was best for everyone. Unfortunately, he was very wrong.

My Dad and I went through a rough patch right before he took his life. Fortunately, we made up and were speaking again. I can’t imagine how much more guilt I would have felt if we weren’t talking and he died. Hug and kiss the ones you love. Forgive and forget if possible. You never truly know the demons someone is fighting with and when the last time you’ll see your friend or loved one is. You think you will always have time to make things right, but you don’t. I always thought there was time…..

It blows me away just how many people I know and know of that have committed suicide. Five isn’t a big number. But when you’re talking about people’s lives, five is too big of a number. If you’re reading this and want to lend a helping hand, visit my donation page. No amount of money is too small. If you are unable donate, search for Out of the Darkness Walks in your area and join a team.

 

http://afsp.donordrive.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=donorDrive.participant&participantID=539160